April 27, 2023
My oldest child is getting married and I am kind of a hot mess.
Sappy.
Emotional.
Bittersweet.
Excited.
Happy.
Melancholy.
Disbelief.
Old – but still so young.
These are just a few of my ranging emotions these past few weeks as my daughter’s wedding date comes ever nearer.
Thankful.
Anticipatory.
Nostalgic.
Sentimental.
Inspired.
Hopeful.
Grateful.
It’s probably safe to safe you shouldn’t ask me how I am feeling.
At any given moment, the floodgates might open and that would be awkward for both of us.
How has it already been 24 years since that sparkly-eyed, brown-haired, 8 lb 12 oz bundle of joy entered our lives and changed absolutely everything?
She. Changed. Everything.
She arrived 10 days early and has never stopped being advanced. (I figured she might appreciate that line.)
Her early appearance just happened to coincide with my mid-wife being out of town – and my scheduled defense of my Master’s Project. I have no doubt the professors pitied my exhausted, sleep-deprived, completely overwhelmed self and just passed me for the sake of passing so I could be done.
After all, I had a new role.
Motherhood, not research, statistics, and a cohesive thesis were suddenly all-consuming– and the only thing I cared about.
I wanted to get it right.
From nursing, to burping, to napping, to bathing, to diaper-changing, to mastitis, to teething, to attitudes, to teaching, to scheduling, to talking back, to sports, to friendships, to driving, to dating, to laughing, to graduating, to loving so much it hurts – she has been the experiment child.
And what a blessing that experiment has been.
And now, she is getting married.
I thought that all of the “lasts” associated with senior year were tough: the last game, the last awards ceremony, the last dance, the last days of school – graduation.
But somehow, this phase of all new “firsts” has me feeling just as strange.
It feels like time is speeding up – – moving forward, whether I’m ready or not.
Am I always two steps behind?
Why am I always two steps behind?
What am I chasing?
Time? Childhood? A piece of myself or a piece of my heart?
Am I chasing a memory? Or is this an awakening?
As I searched through boxes of baby pictures looking for material for her wedding video, I meandered down Memory Lane.
(This is probably a good place to apologize to my kids, siblings and parents for blowing up their phones for a week as I was transported back to a different time and place.)
The times were not necessarily easier or simpler – but they were definitely different.
We were different.
And it’s very safe to say, I didn’t get it all right.
Soon that beautiful baby with the long, piano-player fingers, will be married.
And we couldn’t be any happier for her.
My oldest, my firstborn, my experiment child is getting married.
And I am kind of a hot mess.
A sappy, emotional, bittersweet, excited, old – yet not-so-old – happy, hot mess.
