We have done the “starting college” thing 3 times now.
3 kids down and potentially, 3 kids to go.
That should make us pros, at helping kids leave home for the first time, right?
Yeah, right.
If anything, we have learned these tips and tricks because we did it wrong. (Ok, ok, there is probably not a right or wrong way to send your kid off to college – or away from home for the first time – but there may be a few things that can make it as smooth a transition as possible.)
In no particular order of value, here are a few things we have learned.
- Start preparing early. We are notorious for “getting around to things.” (Translation: as the due date gets closer and closer, our motivation toward accomplishment is sparked). This drives Addysen crazy (especially now that we are weeks away from her wedding – but, that is a post for another day.) It’s not that the “thing” isn’t important, but, we are often so busy that things just get put off until we have no choice but to focus on them.
Just know that the summer after graduation FLIES by – especially if you have camps and grad parties and, well…life. Preparing early can help to alleviate some of the stress for you and your kid as the departure date gets closer.
It will also help to alleviate some of the financial shock of all the extra costs that seem to pop up – even after you leave your child standing in their college dorm.
- Plan for extra costs. Imagine this scenario: You carefully plan tuition and budget for groceries, books and fees. Then bam…it’s move-in day at Ohio State…in August…and your kids’ dorm is on the third floor of a building with no air-conditioning. As the temps and humidity rise and sweat drips into your eyes, you might just find yourself at the Target tent sale by the Student Center buying window air conditioners, box fans and any other cooling device you can find – to the tune of several hundred dollars. Additionally, you treat everyone and their mother to ice cream because it is so dang hot and you can’t bear the thought of leaving your first-born baby in such a sweltering hell-hole.
(Sidenote – Cannon and Brynnley both ended up in WAY nicer first-time dorms than Addysen ever had. Which is good…because while you still feel all the feels leaving Child #2 and Child #3 in their new place…you’ve likely adopted a bit more of a “suck it up” sentiment. )
- Get a AAA card. Maybe it’s just our luck because we have a lot of cars and a lot of drivers but our AAA membership has saved us more than once. (Thank you Erika for recommending this several years ago). If nothing else, it brings peace of mind to know that whether your kid is the driver or the passenger, if there is car trouble and you are across the country (or even just an hour away), they can get the help they need.
- Discuss safety. It is hard to send your kids off to college and whether it’s boys or girls – I don’t care…it’s a little scary. They are young and relatively inexperienced (even though they may think they know so much) and the reality of life is that accidents and bad things happen. You want them to have a great experience – but part of having a great experience means being smart and making good decisions. You know – decisions like getting off their phones and paying attention to their surroundings, avoiding walking alone at night, never leaving their drinks unattended…those sorts of things.
- Encourage independence. Encourage your children to think for themselves in situations that don’t matter – so that they can think for themselves in situations that do matter. Does that make sense? Kids are really good at figuring things out when they absolutely have to.
Not long after Addysen went to Ohio State, she had something come up that she needed help with. But, despite her many attempts at texting and calling that day, (cell phones can be a blessing and a curse when it comes to kids moving out) for whatever reason, I was unavailable and didn’t answer my phone. Later that night, when I got around to calling her back I asked what she had done about the situation. Her answer was profound, “You didn’t answer so I had to figure it out myself.”
Yes, indeed.
Kids are really good at figuring things out themselves if and when they have to.
Greg is so much better than I am when it comes to teaching this principle. (Maybe because he’s always at work and can’t answer his phone? Actually, his answer to the kid’s questions – and often to my questions is, “YouTube it.”)
- Teach the basics. First and foremost, teach your kids how to be decent human beings. (Ok, I’m kidding – that should be a given, right?) But, seriously, teach them how to be good roommates. Have expectations for them at home so that when they live with people who aren’t family – they won’t be complete slobs and will know how to clean up after themselves and treat other people’s property with respect.
Ideally, kids should know the basics of laundry (they will certainly appreciate that they didn’t have to pay for it when they lived at home!), cooking, dishes, budgeting, and grocery shopping before they leave home. But if they don’t, they will certainly learn things as they go, likely to the chagrin of their roommates. I wish I had kept screenshots of some of the texts I have received from kids asking how to do certain things. (Thank goodness there is Facetime to walk through how to put gas in a car, right?)
- Grocery Delivery service. Yeah, I know, this is definitely a first-world problem. All three of our older kids have attended school away from home – in various parts of Utah and Ohio…without a car. And while I maintain that not having a car at college is completely doable, I do like having a grocery delivery option for them. Last year Cannon got really sick and it helped me feel better to be able to have vitamins, cough drops, and orange juice delivered to his house.
This service also comes in handy when I want to send the occasional surprise dinner or bouquet of flowers. (Granted, that scenario is SO occasional, none of them may have any recollection of it actually happening.) Again, totally not a necessity, but we like it. And yes, in case you are wondering, my kids use my Amazon Prime account quite religiously.
- Send a little something from home. This obviously depends on the kid – but for the older kids, we made blankets that included a bunch of family pictures. I figured they could use blankets in Utah to stay warm – and it would be a little reminder of home and the people who love them the most. We also created care packages filled with some of their favorite treats, positive and uplifting sayings (again – totally depends on the kid), and holiday decor. We made a pillow with pictures of our cat and dogs for Brynnley to take back to school. Sure, they are (hopefully) loving their new surroundings, meeting new people, and enjoying new-found freedom….but let’s be honest…moving away is a huge life transition. So make it as easy as possible – for both of you. It doesn’t have to be anything big – but notes in the mail (real mail!), a surprise gift card, or the occasional Malley’s candy bar go a long way.
- Homesickness is real. Yes, even for the kid who can’t wait to get away….homesickness can hit unexpectedly and it can hit hard. All three of our older kids struggled when they first left for school. Which means, I struggled too. Watching your kids struggle, even though you know they will be ok, is tricky. I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve said, “It’s ok to be homesick. It’s normal. This is the biggest change of your life so far. But, you’ve got this!”
I remember getting off the phone with Addysen late one night during her first semester at Ohio State. My mom-heart broke and I said to Greg, “She sounds so sad. Should I just drive down there?”
Understandably, he looked at me like I was crazy.
It was, after all, 11 pm.
But hey, Columbus is only 2 hours away, so it’s doable, right?
Needless to say, I didn’t go; though I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to.
Who would have guessed how much that “tough love” would prepare me to better handle similar situations only a few short years later…with both Cannon and Brynnley. While the conversations were similar, there was a key difference. They were both in Utah, so hopping in the car to go deliver a hug and pep talk was, quite literally, not an option.
One year, one of them called me on my birthday. It seemed a bit out of character and while I was thrilled about it, I couldn’t help but think the call stemmed, at least in part, from loneliness and homesickness.
More than once I’ve said, “Don’t you remember how much you wanted this? You wanted to leave. You don’t like rules and curfews. You’ve got this. Just give it time.”
And so, like a broken record, I just keep repeating, “Homesickness is normal. It’s ok to be homesick.”
Just be prepared for it and have a plan in place for when it hits.
- Encourage Involvement. Our kids were all part of various teams throughout high school. So, moving out for the first time, not being surrounded by a large family and not being part of a team was a new experience. Because homesickness is so real and change can be hard, we’ve always encouraged our kids to get involved as soon as possible. Whether that looks like joining a club, getting a job, going to the gym, participating in intramurals or a sorority/fraternity or going to church – -it doesn’t matter. We just encourage them to put themselves in situations where they are around other people who may (or may not) have similar interests. This is also one of the reasons we’ve had our kids live in the dorms their first year at school. It “forces” them to get to know people.
Addysen said it best when she said, “Making friends in college is hard. You aren’t going to meet your best friend on the first day – or maybe even the first semester.”
But, the really good friends you do make, have the potential to be friendships for life.
So, do whatever you can to stack the odds in your favor; but also rest assured that it’s ok if things don’t happen overnight.
- Embrace the Change. My kids have often heard me say, “This is the only time of life that is really just about you. So you might as well make the most of it.” Everyone handles the transition differently – kids and parents alike. We love our kids equally, but Greg is much more matter-of-fact with the goodbyes and transitions than I am. Moving out and moving on is a natural progression of life – so embrace it.
Be excited and optimistic about all the amazing things the future holds. Your kids will feed off your attitude and emotions and no matter how it might seem, this IS an exciting and optimistic time!
- Always let them know they can come home. Of course – that doesn’t mean you want them living in your basement for the rest of their lives – or yours. But, make sure they know that coming home isn’t a failure. Let them know they’ll always have a space in your heart – and on your couch. (Insert smiley face.)
- And finally, embrace the change again…and again...and again.
Once you’ve hit the stage of life where kids start leaving – things won’t ever be the same. That’s just a fact. You’ll blink and the next transition will be right around the corner.
So, you develop a new “normal,” one that looks an awful lot like change.
Even though this stage of life can be really hard, it’s not a bad thing – and it doesn’t even have to be a sad thing. While I never could have imagined some of the situations our kids – and our family- would face over these past few years (hello global pandemic – among other things!), we’ve grown stronger and closer because of them.
Like the caterpillar who can never become a butterfly without emerging from its cocoon, so it is with each of us.
Change is normal and life is all about change.
Whether it be homesickness, a global pandemic, graduation, marriage, a change in goals, or any number of other circumstances…just know that change is the only constant.
So, you might as well embrace it.
